Happy holidays, everyone. Scoop, here, on the job, seeking out the season’s scuttlebutt, the Christmas controversies, if you will. I’m here at the North Pole, investigating a rift among Santa’s reindeer, chatting with them at their workout area.

They’re all here — Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen — except for one notable omission. Rudolph is not on the premises.

Scoop: I appreciate you all being here today, but where is Rudolph?

Dasher: Don’t you mean the captain of the ship? The one who keeps us all from being dysfunctional? Or so people say …

Scoop: My beak is sniffing out the sarcasm there.

Dancer: We purposely left Rudolph out of the mix on this one. We’re all tired of being shoved into the background while Rudolph grabs all the credit. It takes all of us to pull that sleigh, you know.

Vixen: Yeah … and don’t blame Dasher for being bitter. He was the leader of our team before the “red-nosed wonder” came along.

Scoop: But doesn’t Rudolph’s legacy add to your wonder in children’s eyes?

Donner: What legacy? That deer has a cold all year round. We keep telling her to clear the nostrils and the response is always the same.

Scoop: What response is that?

Donner: This nose is for glowin’, not for blowin’.

Scoop: I see. By the way, I understand all of Santa’s reindeer are female. This isn’t some kind of feminine jealousy or envy going on, is it?

Comet: Don’t be silly. Of course we are all female. Women know how to get things done. No way could a group of males band together and accomplish what we accomplish every year. Mrs. Claus would guide the sleigh herself, but she doesn’t like the travel.

Prancer: Besides, she has to stay at home and keep the elves in line. No man is going to do that.

Scoop: We’re getting off the subject here. I still don’t understand the problem you all have with Rudolph. You’re all mentioned in the song, after all.

Blitzen: We were pulling that sleigh for 100 years before that song came along. Sure, we’re mentioned at the start of the song, but never again. It’s all Rudolph, Rudolph, Rudolph. It’s like the rest of us don’t even exist.

Cupid: Our names have been reduced to a trivia question. Who can name us all? It’s so sad. I carry mistletoe around all season, but nobody cares. I’m never asked to participate in any Valentine’s Day activity … just some kid in a diaper, bearing my name, shooting little arrows … but I’m not bitter.

Scoop: So you all want to be recognized as individuals?

Blitzen: We all have different personalities. Donner and myself are referred to as thunder and lightning. Prancer likes to dance with the elves. Vixen puts on a show with magic tricks. Dasher is derived from the German words “purse maker.” Comet is quiet and dependable. I could go on and on, but what’s the point?

Scoop: But I’m sure Santa Claus appreciates our efforts.

Dasher: He has a funny way of showing it. Each house we stop at, the big guy goes inside and dines on cookies, candy, milk, whatever people leave him. Sometimes, people leave carrots for us, otherwise, we’re left outside to fend for ourselves, chewing on leaves, ferns, moss, mushrooms, whatever we can find. It’s not right.

Scoop: Well, I speak for the world’s population in saying that we are thankful for the job you do.

Prancer: You certainly should be. After all, you have wings to fly. We don’t.

Scoop: By the way, how do you …

Dasher: Never mind. We’ve said enough.